“Our social tools are not an improvement to modern society, they are a challenge to it.” ― Clay Shirky

Following my previous blog I have been doing a lot of contemplation on the use of technology and social media recently. Mainly because of my breakup but also on how I use it my everyday life and when I hang out with people.

I realised that I was living my life through a screen instead of looking up at those around me. I would be on my phone in the company of others, I would be uploading photos and statuses every time I did something, scrawling through the news feed constantly for updates any spare moment. This isn’t living. I don’t need to make a status to tell my friends I’ve had a good night at the pub, we should just all have a good time and knowledge it in the moment.

I know technology and social media has its benefits and I have never been against change and advances but I think it’s too easy to allow it to take control and dictate how you live your life. So I have taken a step back from it all and done the following:

• I try not to check my phone every second
• I put my phone away in the company of others or at an event
• I don’t update my ‘friends’ on everything I do, instead I select big events that mean a lot or just share funny things
• I try to not scroll through my news feeds constantly and stalk exs (working on that one)
• Try not to read into every like, comment and activity people do (working on this one too)
• I don’t reach for my laptop automatically when I’m bored or have free time

Here are some articles which highlight and express what I am feeling right now a bit more in detail.

What facebook is doing to your brain

18 Ugly truths about modern dating you have to deal with

http://justfranki.wordpress.com/2014/06/05/how-social-media-will-ruin-your-relationship/

How social media networks can affect society negatively

Facebook, Twitter, Texting: The Impact of Social Networking

The real reason facebook makes us unhappy

No one talks anymore

I know this video is a little extreme but Buzzfeed makes a point:

How does technology and social media dictate your life?

“You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.”

Hey everyone

Sorry for the disappearing act I know its been a while. To some up my gap in posts its basically down to:

• Holidays
• Work being extremely busy
• Getting a new boyfriend then breaking up with that new boyfriend
• Going to New Zealand for a month travelling

It all kinda took its my toll on me which unfortunately made less time for blogging. However, over the next couple of weeks I am going to try cover all the above points in individual blogs.

Starting with the hardest one first. My breakup

As you may or may not know from my previous posts I have been struggling with my confidence, guys and my indecisiveness about Online Dating. Well after my break from social media and holiday in Fuerteventura I decided to give it another ago and joined Plenty of Fish. Within in minutes I was getting ‘meet up’ requests, favorites and messages from guys. I was blown back. It took a while to filter through the sleazy guys, the fakeness and those who didn’t have the same relationship intention as mine.

I tried to not judge people on looks and jobs etc but at the same time I tried to follow my instincts and only talk to those I felt some sort of attraction too. Cutting the story short, I started dating a guy who lived in London, he had a good stable job, intelligent, good family values. Seemed too good to be true. So I kept it quiet for a while from my parents, eventually telling them when I felt a bit more secure and began to feel like I was in a real relationship that would last.

Although we had differences we still managed to find things to do and hung out at least once a week just getting to know each other. However, there were indicators that something wasn’t right. I had considered breaking it off a couple of times, got frustrated and we had at least one or two talks where I expressed I felt like he wasn’t in it. He was a closed off personality, where he’d been hurt before and just shut himself down. He tried to change with the lovely doveyness and talking to me but I found it difficult as he was so up and down.

Then we came to breaking point, after a weekend spent at a spa (our first alone time away from parents) where I thought we could finally relax and be ourselves, It just felt wasted, like any other day and then one of the reoccurring issues came up. Communication.

I got angry and he decided not speaking to me for two days was the way to go. Being ignored brought back up issues for me from previous relationships so was possibly the worst thing he could have done. He thought he was giving me space. This spiralled to a texting arguement, to facebook, to me breaking it off with him online. Followed by him not replying, then ignoring me, then me messaging him for another try, to him rejecting that.

That was three months ago and I’m still struggling. I know me and him probably aren’t right for each other. He thinks designer clothes, a good body, tattoos, a fancy bike and flashy stories is the way to impress girls and people in general. I appreciate people who listen and show it, remember the small things, aren’t laddish but most importantly makes me feel wanted.

Through the argument and breakup I realised many things as to why it happened, what could have been done to avoid it or save it. I can’t go back and change it as much as I want to, all I can do is try learn from it.

“You can’t change what’s done, you can’t go back in time, you can’t try to change the hurt feelings or mend the broken hearts. All you can do is learn from your mistakes, and hope you will never regret anything as much as you do now.” -Anonymous

The first thing I realised is when I first got upset I shouldn’t have got pissy in a text I should have explained why I was confused and upset. After all, I can’t preach about open communication and avoiding drama, when I act like that. If I had then it would not have lead to the ignoring period.
Secondly, I should not have jumped to drama alert when he didn’t speak to me. I should have waited for him to approach me, explain that I was upset and why and why I don’t like being ignored. I then would have found out that he thought he was giving me space. Something, as a new couple we were yet to find out our differences. The big mistake we both made was we hid behind technology.

Why complicate life?

I now really realize that I have a big issue with my confidence and that I panic when it comes to things that upset me, make me nervous or when I think a guy doesn’t care about me, I hide behind technology. I feel like its easier, I can ask other people for advice during the conversation and can ponder over it for longer. This however, has its negative effects. It can cause you to make things more dramatic, every minute where I waited for a reply I got nervous, started over-thinking and jumped to the worst conclusions.
I realised this needs to change. I felt ashamed that after 5 months I shamefully ended it on Facebook,we deserved better than that. We couldn’t discuss things face to face. If we had the outcome may have been different.

However, I also know that he was to blame for many things too and could of done more to save the relationship and to understand me and us. I shouldn’t shoulder all the blame. I realised I cry wolf too much in relationships when things get tough. I wanted him to fight for me, to say how much he wanted to be with me and fix things. Instead, I should of realised relationships aren’t like the movies, they don’t magically come together and they aren’t perfect. Its easier to run away than to stand up and fight for things. It takes time to get to know each other to see if its right, to see if you can live with peoples ‘faults’ and build a working relationship. Instead of just giving up and thinking there is something better out there.

Rainbow and Rain

The big thing I realised that in today’s society technology and social media has a big effect on how you act in certain situations and I don’t want to keep hiding behind it and living my life through one in a billion pages on a screen. So as much as I can’t turn off how I’m feeling right now and I am trying to keep moving forward and taking my learning’s from it (follow up blog on the topic of technology on society to follow)

You can’t change what’s done, you can’t go back in time. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and be a better person.

So I have closed my online dating profiles, I realised it wasn’t for me. Not knowing what was real or what wasn’t and trying to force something so you are not alone isn’t the way to go. Looking at my ex’s profile and realising how far he was away from who he really was, really cemented to me that if i was every going to meet someone for me it had to be in person and in natural surroundings. I need to stand up from hiding behind a screen.

I also realised that I’m the middle of the line. I am not beautiful, fashion savy, have the perfect body, hair, makeup, confidence and flashy livestyle that people crave and men flock after. However, I’m not the other end. I’m not unique or wacky i.e into gaming, being gothic, indie, chavy etc I’m just average….and no one wants average.
So I’m giving up up completely on the whole dating game and I’m gonna concentrate on things that hopefully won’t let me down, like a better job, a flat, clearing out my room and investing in hobbies.

At the end of the day, If something is meant to be, it will be and you can’t rely on anyone else but yourself to control your own happiness.